The Rules Were Meant to Be Broken

I followed the rules.

The ones we’re told will guarantee safety, respectability, and success.

Get the degree. Secure the job. Keep your head down. Work twice as hard.

And like so many women I know, I reached a point where those rules left me depleted.
Wondering how I got here.

When I went through my divorce, I was traumatized, left homeless, and fighting for my life, and for custody of my child. All I could think about was: what happens next? (That’s a story for another time.)

But that question, “what’s next?” became a trap. I had just survived a night in jail and one of the most painful few months of my life, and instead of sitting with my pain to begin the healing journey, I started grasping for something, anything, that would make it all make sense.

Because that’s what we’re taught to do, right?

Fix it. Keep going. Make it better. Feel better. Do something.

I did a lot on my healing journey (also a story for another time). But what I came to realize was we’ve been handed a set of rules that say: if you do this, you’ll get that.
If you work hard, you’ll succeed. If you follow the steps, you’ll be rewarded.

Three degrees, two businesses, and one book later ... .I'm still unlearning the lie that what I do next is more important than healing. That doing takes precedence over becoming. That action matters more than alignment. That my worth depends on achievement.

But, that belief didn’t start with me.

It was shaped by a world that teaches women that our value is earned through our bodies, our producing, and performing.

And I’m done with that story.

For years, I measured my worth by how well I followed the rules of being a good wife and mother. I stayed within the lines, did what was expected, and silenced the parts of myself that didn’t fit, my body’s signals, my intuition, my needs. There was no space for them.

After my divorce, I didn’t pursue advanced degrees or build things out of passion, I did it out of survival. Because I didn’t believe I could survive on who I was alone.

I wasn't enough.

I had to prove something. To myself. To others and to the world.

But those rules didn’t stay confined to my personal life. They followed me everywhere I went, particularly in the workplace. After being a stay at home mom for 7 years, I left one space of patriarchy for another. The names changed. The expectations did not.

Be polite. Be pleasing. Be productive. Don’t be too loud. Submit to the one who leads because he knows best. It wasn’t just about doing the work, it was about performing the right version of myself to feel safe, to be accepted, to belong, and survive. And here’s what gets lost in all that performance, my identity. I abandoned parts of myself and forgot. And in the process, I disappeared.

And the Journey Begins

I was already 40 when this journey began. The begin again chapter of my life was messy, unplanned, and entirely necessary.

Because by the time you reach midlife, something starts to come undone.
The rules stop working. The promises made in your twenties, work hard, stay loyal, follow the path, don’t hold up under pressure. Not when your world is shifting beneath your feet.

Then just when I thought I had reached some sentiment of success and achievement. A layoff without warning happened. Now I am 55 and clearly I know more. Heck, I know better, so things should be different. Right?

Realities hit harder. I’ve been carrying more, and settling for less, and smiling while doing it. My credentials, my grit and my network didn’t open doors. My knowledge didn’t translate into generational wealth. My experience didn’t shield me from economic vulnerability or protect me when the ground gave out.

I now represent a generation of women seasoned by time and shaped by experience. Women who have so much to give from our wombs, hearts, minds, and souls. Women who are betting on themselves, which means breaking the rules and disrupting the entire system.

The lives, careers and businesses we’re building now are rooted in something deeper. It is shaped with others in mind. Success and achievement are embedded in purpose and part of a larger economy of care, community, and interdependence.

How is this breaking the rules and disrupting the system?

We are talking about it. We are writing about it. And here is what it looks like:

It’s slowing down when everything says rush. Resting instead of pushing through exhaustion.
It’s saying no without apology, and speaking up even when your voice shakes. It looks like refusing to compete in systems built on scarcity. It’s creating work that nourishes, not just produces. It’s choosing not to carry what was never yours. The pressure to be everything to everyone.

These are acts of resistance. Not because they’re radical, but because they are honest.

And in a world where leadership has been built on wounded masculine ideals of domination, extraction, and control to live and lead with wholeness and depth is its own revolution.

What are some other ways you are breaking the rules? I want to hear from you.

I am calling on you to choose one way to flip the script. One way to honor what’s true over what’s expected. Because your liberation doesn’t have to look like protest. Sometimes, it looks like presence. Sometimes, it looks like finally choosing yourself.

So now, I ask different questions.
Not: What must I do next?
But: What must I unlearn? What part of me needs to come back to myself?

I want you to know that I’m not writing this from the top of the mountain. I’m writing from the middle of the climb. But this time, I’m not climbing alone.

This is the heart behind The New Lead Order: a free space for women who are done performing power and ready to practice it on our own terms.

If this resonates, subscribe. Join the conversation and bring your truth.